You may know by now that English is not my first language, and that I’m still learning. I’m writing more text in this post than I usually do, so please excuse me if I make language mistakes.
I recently had a talk with two of my friends here on Okinawa, and they actually got me thinking – Why am I so reserved? I’ve always been a quiet girl, but how I feel inside is a different story. What I mean is, that I feel happy, goofy and crazy inside, but to the outside I give everybody that does not know me very well, an absolutely different picture. I wish I could unleash this other self of mine – just being the way I feel!
At this point I believe I am too much under control of myself, I know exactly what I want and how I want it, and I don’t allow myself to show enormous excitement/emotions, even if I am very much excited!!! This is only if I am around people I don’t know very well, friends that have been around me for a long period of time, know the silly, goofy girl I can be. You must be wondering, “why can’t she just be the way she wants to be, from the gitgo?” Honestly, it could be a number or reasons why I’m reserved.
- maybe because I got hurt by people who meant a lot to me at that time, and now I am protecting myself by holding up this invisible shield
- maybe because I don’t want to disappoint anybody
- maybe because I don’t want to seem like a complete idiot
- maybe because I am afraid of the reactions or
- maybe I am just not ready
looks like I could go on and on with reasons…
I just remember a short conversation with an unknown person, this person came up to me and asked “why are you protecting yourself so strongly? You know, not every human on this planet is bad!”, this just gave me the chills, and I admit that I am in tears. Being a strong person your entire life is hard work, I want to protect everybody I love. Everyday I have these flashes of my little darling (Jasmine) getting badly hurt, and I am just standing there not being able to move. This got worse since I gave birth, I feel overwhelmed, I can’t focus on things, on some days I am running around doing 1000 of things at the same time, but it seems like nothing got completed.
I need to get my focus back, find my inner peace, and continue being a strong mommy for my little princess.
This blog was initially created to promote my work, however I would love to share more personal topics if you all allow me too. This felt kinda good to write down! I also want to say that I am very sorry if I gave you the wrong impression about myself when we first met, this goes especially to my two wonderful ladies here on island (I know you are reading this!!!). I will try to be the goofy girl that I am, if on the web or in person!
So, now you all know that behind this blog is sitting a girl revealing something very personal about herself, and I hope you all understand me a bit better now.
To top this off I like to give you a hug for listing (reading), Thank you